What’s wrong with me? Maybe there’s something on my face. Is it the mustache? It can’t be the mustache. Maybe it’s the mustache. I don’t think so at least. It is pretty filthy. I knew I should’ve shaved.
I watch as another “friend” is handed a ticket like a knife to the back. It’s High School Gym class all over again. There goes the spelling bee champ. There’s only two of us now. And they’re going to go with the wheelchair kid? Really? This is kickball.
The denial sets in. I refuse to understand it. I’ve tried just about everything. A headband, some neon green shades, and a spankin’ new tux? It hardly gets more conspicuous than that. I look like that famous snowboarder except that he doesn’t have this disgusting creature growing on his upper lip.
Another ticket is handed away. They’re toying with me. It’s the only logical explanation for all of this. The apathetic attitudes, the lack of ice, no free refills…it’s all just some practical joke and all of France is in on it. The paranoia subsides. It’s all just some elaborate prank. That’s all. Very funny Ashton. You can come out now. Ashton?
I watch as two more blondes flirt their way into a pair of tickets. I’ve never felt so emasculated. They stroll down the red carpet linking arms with a wealthy French somebody. Maybe I’m going about this all wrong. Maybe I’m not showing enough skin. I loosen my pre-tied bowtie and unbutton the top button, sensual but classy-like.
My cheeks are starting to hurt from the smiling. I catch my reflection in the store window. I look like a botox operation gone horribly array. Not to mention that filthy mustache. Why the Hell did I not shave?
The sun is setting. Night will fall soon, and I’ll surely freeze to death…if not from the lack of sunlight then from the cold emitting from these monsters’ hearts. I fear I’m losing faith in mankind.
I enter yet another staring contest with an affluent looking male down the street. He’s walking my way with his cold eyes locked with mine. He’s judging me…staring into my soul. He’s deeming me unfit for this world. He likely makes millions on his ability to thrive in these situations, to stare the enemy in the eye and refuse defeat. But this only works when said enemy finds life worth living. On this night, he is no match for my dead eyes. He looks away sheepishly conquered.
Times are desperate. It’s homecoming all over again. All the pretty girls have found their dates to the ball. I’m the ugly girl…the one with the mustache. Damn, I really should have shaved. I’m Cinderella. Not so much that I’m secretly beautiful and I’ll get with Prince Charming in the end but because I’ve starting talking to the birds. They’re the only ones who understand me. I’ve never felt more alone.
But alas, an Asian reporter is interviewing me now. Despite her best efforts, she manages to form a mangled sentence in English. She wonders what I’m doing. I tell her I’m looking for the Eiffel tower, but I’m lost. I ask if she’s seen it anywhere. She begins to scribble some notes but thinks better of it and hurries away confused.
I wonder if my sign is spelled correctly? My French is about as good as this mustache looks. Maybe there’s still time to shave? Then again, I’ve heard the French work miracles with wax. It’s been a little over an hour now. I think my sign may be upside down. It’s hard to be sure.
I’m experiencing a wave of emotions. I’m sweating, or are those tears? My body is crying. Literally, every pore of my body is crying.
Just beyond the reporter, I see another ticket handed out. I consider defeat. But wait, something is different this time. The wealthy gentlemen seeking last minute dates have evolved into a new breed of elderly ladies in search of handsome young men. I am immediately taken back to my days bagging groceries at Kroger. If I could woo those stingy grandmothers on senior discount Wednesdays into some pocket change, surely I can flatter these ones into an unforgettable night. I unbutton another button. I mean business.
Here comes one now. I attempt to flash her a grin that makes her feel 30 years younger, but my sagging cheeks can only muster off five. It’ll have to do. But wait, she’s reaching into her purse. The tiniest ray of hope is growing by the second. The fading sun produces a flicker of brightness from her handbag as she extracts…a cigarette. She asks me for a light in a voice deeper than my own will ever be. My confidence momentarily escapes me as the fear takes hold. I try to muster an answer, but my mouth is paralyzed. Instead, I nod my head and manage some mumbled sounds through a lopsided smile. She frowns and asks why my sign is upside-down.
My mind begins to wander. I can only imagine what it’s like beyond that red carpet and on the other side of those doors. I picture divine bliss. A divine bliss made of chocolate. It’s Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory, and there’s all the free chocolate I could ever want or need. The dehydration is setting in.
I’m snapped out of my chocolate dreams by an old man using a handful of tickets as a fan. It seems a little excessive. He walks past the guards and onto the red carpet still fanning cool air from his unused tickets to his glistening brow. There goes that faith in mankind.
I picture the same man bathing in a bathtub overflowing with premiere tickets. I immediately regret the image in my head, not so much for the image of the man’s soap-lathered flesh but more so for the irresponsible use of the excess tickets.
An unkempt gypsy boy begging for spare change awakens me from my misguided daydream. Beat it kid. Time’s running out, and daddy needs a new pair of shoes. These ones have left me with a cramped foot and a newfound gimp. Besides, this is life or death here.
The gypsy child slumps away begrudgingly but not before looking back. The reflections in our eyes meet. Its funny, I see a lot of myself in him. Maybe we’re not so different, him and I. I begin to wonder. Based on everything I’ve learned at the festival thus far, I should get used to the begging lifestyle anyways. The future looks grim at best. I have decided. I will befriend the gypsy children, and they will raise me as their own…with their gypsy eyes and their gypsy hands.
An old man is walking towards me now. He slips his hand inside his jacket searching for something. So this is how it ends. I close my eyes and await my wretched fate. But wait, he’s putting something in my hand. A wave of serenity surges through my veins. For the first time, I feel that everything will be ok. I open my eyes to reveal a gleaming ticket in my outstretched hands.
It must be a mirage, a side effect from the excessive loss of sweaty tears perhaps. It’s a Christmas miracle. Like that year where you wake up to presents under the tree even after your parents have revealed the truth about Santa. Screw the gypsies. I think I’ll treat myself to a night at the movies tonight. I thank him the only way that seems appropriate. I kiss him the French way, not with two pecks on the cheek but with lots of tongue.
Two hours later, I hobble out of the movie palace. The seats were cramped. The movie sucked. And I still have this disgusting mustache. But worst of all, there wasn’t even any chocolate. C’est la vie.